Three Plays by Mae West Read online

  MARGY I’m leaving, dear.

  JIMMY You’re leaving? Why?

  MARGY Do you remember that last night in Trinidad?

  JIMMY How could I ever forget it?

  MARGY Do you remember the woman that threw herself into the bay?

  JIMMY Why yes, of course. But what has that got to do with us?

  MARGY I was no better than she.

  JIMMY What are you saying?

  MARGY I was one of those women.

  JIMMY You? Why that’s not true!

  MARGY Ask Gregg.

  (GREGG turns away; too ashamed to look at him.)

  JIMMY I can’t believe…. (He sits down, heartbroken, and puts head in hands.)

  MARGY Mrs. STANTON, I’m giving back your boy. I’m sure you’ll teach him to forget me.

  CLARA But you are not going back to that life?

  (GREGG appeals to her mutely to remember his feeling for her. She looks at him and smiles.)

  MARGY No, I’m going straight—to Australia. (Holds out hand to GREGG.)

  FINAL CURTAIN

  THE DRAG

  A HOMOSEXUAL COMEDY IN THREE ACTS (1927)

  THE CAST

  Dr. James Richmond, a physiciann

  BARBARA Richmond, his sister

  CLAIR, his daughter

  JUDGE Robert Kingsbury

  ROLLY Kingsbury, his son, married to CLAIR

  JESSIE, a maid

  PARSONS, a butler

  Allen GRAYSON, a civil engineer

  Marion, a matron

  DAVID Caldwell, an outcast

  CLEM Hathaway

  Hal Swanson, called “The DUCHESS”

  WINNIE Lewis

  ROSCO Gillingwater

  TAXI-DRIVER

  Billy Mack, a boy

  Inspector

  Detective, guests and musicians at the drag ball

  The action takes place in New York City at the homes of Dr. James Richmond and of ROLLY Kingsbury.

  Act One.   Afternoon. The library in the home of Dr. Richmond.

  ACT TWO.   The same, later that afternoon.

  ACT THREE. SCENEONE. Evening. The drawing room of ROLLY Kingsbury’s home.SCENE TWO. The same in the early hours of the next day.

  ACT ONE

  (Afternoon. The library in the home of DR. RICHMOND, New York City. The room is large and roomy, comfortably furnished in subdued richness, the kind of room a tired business or professional man would use as a haven of rest. Center entrance leading to general entrance. Door right leading to DOCTOR’s office. Stairway left or doors, leading to other parts of the house. Windows overlooking a courtyard with a few potted plants. At rise; DR. RICHMOND’S sister, AUNT BARBARA, a kindly faced woman in her fifties, is dressed conservatively yet not unfashionably. She is arranging magazines and books on a desk in the center of the room. DR. RICHMOND, a dignified, calm-looking man, is seated behind the desk.)

  BARBARA Do you want this book?

  DOCTOR Yes—The Ulrich book I’ve been so eager to get.*

  BARBARA I’m glad you’ve got it!

  (Gives him a side-long glance.)

  I never heard of such outlandish diseases in my life.

  DOCTOR (Turning Pages Of Book) There are many, many ills that science has not yet discovered BARBARA, to say nothing of being able to cure them.

  BARBARA Brother, why should you give your whole life to trying to find out things that no one else knows anything about?

  DOCTOR Why, every physician owes something to medical science. Old Hippocrates, the Greek founder of medicine himself, did his bit when he formed the school of physicians, and it’s up to the rest of us to do our share.

  BARBARA That’s no reason why you should give your whole life to it. You always were bad enough, but now—since CLAIR is married—it’s the only thing in your life. You used to give your daughter a thought once in a while—

  DOCTOR But CLAIR’s happy now.

  BARBARA How do you know?

  DOCTOR Why shouldn’t she be? Married to ROLLY Kingsbury, son of JUDGE Kingsbury, from one of the finest families. The judge and I were boys together—chums since childhood.

  BARBARA To hear you two quarrel—

  DOCTOR We never quarrel—just differences of opinion—just differences of opinion.

  BARBARA So long as you’re satisfied, I’m sure I am.

  (Sighs. DOCTOR looks at her.)

  DOCTOR I wouldn’t know what to do without you. Ever since CLAIR’s mother died, you’ve been sister and mother to the little one—and—no, I guess I wouldn’t know what to do without you.

  BARBARA (Sighs) I guess you wouldn’t get along very well.

  DOCTOR (Thoughtfully.) I haven’t been fair to you. I never thought of it just like that before. Now I’m seeing it. I’m afraid I’ve kept you from marrying.

  BARBARA That’s not such a hardship for me.

  DOCTOR Why—

  BARBARA A woman’s never certain what she is marrying.

  DOCTOR How’s that?

  BARBARA Men—you never know about them till you get them and then it’s generally too late—better not to know.

  DOCTOR (Laughs) We know that CLAIR’s pretty certain about what she married, no question there, is there?

  BARBARA I’m not so sure.

  DOCTOR Now, now! ROLLY is one of the best chaps—he’s never been up with a single scandal—for a young man as rich as he is—why, BARBARA, he never even associated with another woman—CLAIR has been his life—

  BARBARA I’ve been looking over this—Ulrich book as you call it.

  DOCTOR Now—

  BARBARA All I say is, you doctors get away with murder.

  DOCTOR BARBARA!

  BARBARA I mean in the printed matter you read. Surprised they let it go through the mails.

  DOCTOR A work of science—

  BARBARA Science is a good name for it.

  DOCTOR (At Phone) Since when have you taken it into your head to read—(Indicates magazines.)

  BARBARA I’ve read everything else in the place a dozen times.

  DOCTOR (Picks Up Telephone) Central—give me Irving 9200.

  BARBARA What now?

  DOCTOR Keep you out of further mischief.

  BARBARA Oh I don’t—

  DOCTOR Hello, hello! Gordon and Mason, publishers? This is Dr. Richmond speaking. Send me some late issues of the medical journal and—you might send the Buffalo Bill series—

  BARBARA Don’t bother—I read the Buffalo Bill series when you were a boy.

  DOCTOR Never mind the Buffalo Bill series, but send some love stories, regular love stories.

  BARBARA Love stories, brother, at my age?

  DOCTOR (At Phone) Send them over as soon as you can. Good-bye. (Turns to BARBARA.) No more of those books for you, BARBARA.

  BARBARA Isn’t science proper reading?

  DOCTOR What some people don’t know, my dear, don’t trouble them.

  BARBARA In other words, it’s a good thing one half of the world doesn’t know how the other half lives, eh?

  DOCTOR Excellent—in most cases.

  BARBARA (Crosses To Table Right—Picks Up The Ulrich Volume) Now this book—

  DOCTOR (Takes Book From Her And Places It On Table Center) Yes, but you wouldn’t understand.

  BARBARA I’d rather not.

  (Enter Maid.)

  Yes, JESSIE?

  JESSIE Two gentlemen to see the doctor.

  BARBARA Patients?

  JESSIE I think so.

  BARBARA These are not the doctor’s office hours, JESSIE, you know it. Tell them to come back between seven and eight.

  DOCTOR How unkind! You don’t know but that they need me. JESSIE—show them in.

  JESSIE (Stops, Plainly Heeding BARBARA Above The DOCTOR) Yes, Miss.

  BARBARA Tell them to come back.

  JESSIE Yes, miss. (Starts to exit.)

  DOCTOR JESSIE! (Nods to her.)

  BARBARA You never will think of yourself. (Looks toward center.)What’s the u
se! (DOCTOR exits rear.)

  JESSIE (Enters Followed By DAVID And CLEM) This way, please. Come right in.

  (DAVID looks worn, tired and haggard as in great trouble.)

  BARBARA These are not the doctor’s office hours. Have a seat, the doctor will see you presently.

  CLEM The doctor’s office hours don’t mean a thing to me, dearie, as long as I get this one off my chest. (Crosses to DAVID.) Calm yourself, honey, calm yourself, All you need is a jab in the arm and you’ll be all right. Oh! (Business.) Oh! (BARBARA exits.) Queer old thing, she looks like the pig woman that squealed. If I had to look at her much longer, I’d need the doctor myself. (Looking around room—sits in chair left.) Oh, what a gorgeous place!

  JESSIE (Off Stage Left) I tell you, you can’t go in.

  TAXI-DRIVER (Off Left) I want to know if they’re here.

  CLEM My God! That brilliant taxi-driver. I forgot all about him.

  TAXI-DRIVER (Enters) Do you boys want me to wait?

  CLEM You better wait, you great, big, beautiful baby.

  TAXI-DRIVER I don’t get you guys.

  CLEM If you don’t, you’re the first taxi-driver that didn’t.

  TAXI-DRIVER What do you want me to do?

  CLEM Ride me around a while, dearie, and then come back for her, if you’re so inclined.

  TAXI-DRIVER O.K. with me. (Exits.)

  CLEM Rough trade, Davy.* Well, so long, kid. I hope he’s a gorgeous doctor and does you good. (Exits rear.)

  DOCTOR (Enters From Rear) It is not my office hour, but I am at your service.

  DAVID You are very kind, doctor.

  DOCTOR My friend, what can I do for you—you look ill.

  DAVID I am ill—in body and soul.

  DOCTOR I am versed in bodily ills, my friend, but the soul is a little out of my line, I’m afraid.

  DAVID If you can’t help me, no one can. (Covers face with hands.) It is so hard to tell you.

  DOCTOR Are you a drug addict?

  DAVID (Rises, Paces Floor Stops At Table) If it were only that—if that were all—I’m one of those damned creatures who are called degenerates and moral lepers for a thing they cannot help—a thing that has made me suffer—Oh, God!—DOCTOR, I can’t explain.

  DOCTOR Tell me everything—This perversion of yours—is it an acquired habit or has it always been so?

  DAVID Always, from the earliest childhood. I was born a male, but my mind has been that of a female, Why, as a child I played with dolls—I even cried when they cut off my curls. As I grew older the natural desires of a youth were unknown to me. I could not understand why women never interested me. I was attracted by my own sex. How was I to know it was wrong, when it seemed perfectly natural to me.

  DOCTOR Go on!

  DAVID I soon realized that I was not like other men. I sought those of my own kind as companions. I realized that we were outcasts. I suffered. I rebelled. I fought with myself—but it was stronger than I. Then I gave in. Why not? I was what I was. There were others like me. Oh, we all fight in the beginning, but it was no use.

  DOCTOR What seems right to the normal man in the matter of sex, seems wrong to you?

  DAVID As wrong as our desires seem to those others. (Pauses.) In time I met another like me. (Rises, paces floor.) How can I tell you? (Pause.)We were attracted to each other. We loved each other. I worshipped him. We lived together. We were happy. The curse didn’t seem to matter so much. We lived our own life …lived it in our own way. No normally married couple were happier than we were. Then—he married. (Sits on divan.)

  DOCTOR Married?

  DAVID He didn’t want to, but his family demanded it of him. He owed it to them. To his name. Don’t you understand?

  DOCTOR Yes.

  DAVID We drifted apart. It almost drove me mad. And then—some how his wife didn’t hurt me as much as—

  DOCTOR As what?

  DAVID He has found another—a man—a normal man. He loves him. It’s maddening.

  DOCTOR But, come, pull yourself together. There must be some way out of this.

  DAVID I’ve tried to find it. I’ve tried doctor. I can’t! I’ve thought of death—I haven’t the courage to kill myself—I wish I had … I love him …

  DOCTOR (Glances At The Book) We can only reach this subject through the mind.

  DAVID I came to you because we all know you are trying to find a way. DOCTOR, there is not one of us that would not be like other men. Comes a time when our burden is too heavy and—there is only one way.

  DOCTOR Don’t talk like that. One man is born white, another black—neither man is born a criminal. A difference in a man’s mind, and you are the greatest sufferers. We’ll get you into physical shape—get this worry out of your mind.

  DAVID I’ve tried and tried—

  DOCTOR Ever try athletics?

  DAVID I loathe them.

  DOCTOR How about sports—baseball, football, racing—

  DAVID They don’t interest me.

  DOCTOR Come, I’ll give you something to quiet your nerves and then we’ll see what we can do.

  DAVID If I only could forget—can’t you understand, doctor—Oh, I think of him and that other. (In anguish, covers face and sobs.) I’m going mad!

  DOCTOR (Looks At DAVID) You’re all in pieces. Come, pull yourself together. (Tries to brace him up. DAVID rises and nearly collapses.) Get a grip on yourself. (DAVID staggers—grasps chair for support.) Come, come—(Leads DAVID toward office rear.) Don’t go to pieces on me—I’ll give you something to steady your nerves. (Helps DAVID out rear.)

  (Re-enter BARBARA with JUDGE KINGSBURY.)

  BARBARA He must be in his private office, JUDGE. Patients come here any hour of the day or night, makes no difference to my brother. He’s at their beck and call.

  JUDGE That’s why he’s a great man.

  BARBARA (Crosses To Divan And Sits) Even great men have to eat and sleep once in a while.

  JUDGE As bad as that?

  BARBARA Worse—Tell me—how about it?

  JUDGE CLAIR?

  BARBARA Yes, none of the rumors have reached her father. No use troubling him. Any truth in them? You’d find out if any one could.

  JUDGE You asked me to, and I did. I’m as fond of CLAIR as if she were my own child, and as for ROLLY, my son, no one could be dearer.

  BARBARA What have you heard?

  JUDGE Nothing to it. Just idle gossip. This young man, GRAYSON, is a very promising civil engineer employed by a concern that is putting up some additional buildings to the Kingsbury iron works. Business takes him to ROLLY’s home quite frequently, and young GRAYSON has taken CLAIR to the theatre on several occasions when ROLLY’s been engaged elsewhere.

  BARBARA I had an idea that ROLLY left business matters in the hands of his managers. Never knew him to take such an active interest in his business before.

  JUDGE But he does. He’s as interested in the great Kingsbury iron works as any of his fathers before him. And it’s taken a great burden off my shoulders.

  BARBARA I’m glad of that. Glad too, that this young GRAYSON and CLAIR aren’t—well—that everything’s all right. I’ve heard stories, nasty ones, JUDGE Kingsbury, very nasty ones.

  JUDGE Gosh! Why ROLLY’s very fond of GRAYSON. If any one’s interested in GRAYSON, I’d say it’s ROLLY and not CLAIR.

  BARBARA I suppose it’s all right, but, I don’t like it. (Glances right, rises.) I guess you’ll have to wait—seems to be engaged with his patient. (Rises, crosses around desk to left.)

  JUDGE I’ll wait.

  BARBARA Waiting’s the most we can do sometimes.

  JUDGE Now, BARBARA, just what is the trouble? Something is wrong? Is it this gossip about CLAIR?

  BARBARA Not alone. Seen CLAIR lately?

  JUDGE Not within the past few days.

  BARBARA For a bride of less than a year, she’s looking mighty unhappy.

  JUDGE You imagine that.

  BARBARA JUDGE, I raised that girl. Her mother died when she was five—ther
e’s very little that goes on in CLAIR’s heart or mind that I don’t understand.

  JUDGE Now, what should be wrong?

  BARBARA If I knew that, I wouldn’t have to worry wondering what it is. (Re-enter DOCTOR.)

  DOCTOR Hello, JUDGE, How’s the old man?

  JUDGE Come begging as usual.

  DOCTOR What it this time?

  BARBARA Look out, brother, he’ll want you to cut someone up, or find out which way a bullet got into someone’s brain or how it got out or—I’ll get out before you get into it. (Exits. JUDGE looks after her.)

  JUDGE She should have married twenty-five years ago.

  DOCTOR It’s taken you a pretty long time to find that out.

  JUDGE (Bristling) Do you mean that I—

  DOCTOR All a judge thinks of is his law. Everything he does is measured by the law, and when he gets through measuring there is nothing left to measure.

  JUDGE That’s silly.

  DOCTOR It’s a fact.

  JUDGE It’s nonsense! What do you know about law?

  DOCTOR And what do you know about fact? You base everything on theories—hypothesis. When it comes to facts, you’re groping.

  JUDGE And what is your whole profession, but theory?

  DOCTOR Theory nothing, we work on fact.

  JUDGE You theorize before you find the fact…

  DOCTOR I believe we’re arguing, Bob.

  JUDGE I believe we are, Jim.

  DOCTOR At least we’re agreed on that. Have a cigar—and now, what are you after? (JUDGE takes cigar.)

  JUDGE I want you to testify in some insanity proceedings. Fellow as crazy as—

  DOCTOR How do you know he’s crazy?

  JUDGE That’s what I want you to find out.

  DOCTOR How can I call anyone insane?

  JUDGE If a man’s insane—

  DOCTOR How do I know he is? Isn’t sanity or what we call insanity the state of a man’s mind—his viewpoint? When he differs from the course laid down by the rest of us, we call him crazy or a genius. And then, we say, all geniuses are insane. And perhaps he thinks the rest of us are crazy.

  JUDGE That’s nonsense. A thing is or it isn’t. Right is right, my friend, wrong is wrong. You won’t argue that point, will you?

  DOCTOR Yes, I will. What you think is wrong may be perfectly right to another man—

  JUDGE Jim, you’re overworking. You don’t know what you’re talking about. (Sits in chair left of table right)